“Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to (successfully) resist and stand your ground in the evil day (of danger), and having done everything (that the crisis demands), to stand firm (in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious).”  Ephesians 6:13

My friend, today I am going to let you in on one of the biggest battles of my life.  I don’t know what you may struggle with, but I know everyone struggles with something.  One of my greatest enemies is my feelings.  I am going to try and be open and honest because I really feel that someone reading this needs to hear these words that come straight from the heart of Jesus.

Depression, anxiety, fear, lack of self worth… these are things I battle with on a daily basis.  I used to feel so ashamed because I believed that if you were a true Christian, you should not struggle with these things.  We should be anxious about nothing, we should be filled with joy, we should view our worth through the eyes of our Saviour, right?  Mental health issues should never be associated with Christians, right?

I have come to have a very different view on things as I have matured in my walk with Christ and have faced many circumstances of my own that have made me cling to Jesus on a daily basis.  You see my friend, I have an anxiety disorder, I have OCD, I also have something called Misophonia (which translated literally is a hatred of sound.)   Basically, normal, every day sounds that most people do not even notice are like finger nails on a chalk board to me.  Chewing, whistling, tapping, etc. are things that are amplified in my ears like 100x.  Those sounds make me feel very anxious.  Along with sounds, I am also very sensitive to movements.  Someone shaking their leg, or tapping their fingers make me feel like I am going to implode.  Honestly, it is a very hard disorder to live with.

I struggle with anxiety.  Because I have such a hard time talking and my voice is messed up, I get very anxious when I have to hold a conversation with someone, or go up and introduce myself to a new person.  Actually, I get anxious about many different things.  And yes my friend, I also struggle with depression.  Thoughts of worthlessness, doubts, thoughts straight from the enemy.  These thoughts made me feel like something must be wrong with me.  Why do I feel this way when I am a firm believer in Jesus?  I did not want to share because I felt alone in this struggle.  I didn’t want people to think I was a hypocrite when I talked about the joy of the Lord being my strength, or the peace that passes understanding.  I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to take my anxieties away, but I believe He has chosen to leave these things in my life, so that I learn to rely on fact not feeling.

The fact of the matter is that I love Jesus.  I am His child and I am saved by His blood.  My eternity is secure not because I “feel” that it is but because I have trusted in what He did on the cross as the basis of my salvation.  I “feel” worthless when I open my mouth because my voice is so messed up.  The “fact” is that the Lord uses my broken voice as a platform for His glory.  I am worthy because I have been bought with a price- the precious blood of Jesus Christ.  I may not “feel” like praising the Lord in my pain.  I may not “feel” the joy of the Lord but the fact of the matter is that I don’t have to feel joyous or thankful when I praise.  Sometimes, everything within me may be shouting “what do you have to be thankful for, look at you- 36 years old and you’re eating through a tube in your stomach, you are single, you can’t talk clearly…”  The important thing is that at that point, I choose to offer to the Lord a “sacrifice of praise.”  I go against my feelings, and remember the fact, that I have everything in the world to be thankful for.  I am saved, I am loved, I am His child.

Many faithful Christians over the years have suffered with depression.  Charles Spurgeon, one of the greatest preachers of all times, suffered greatly with depression.  Was he not a faithful servant of Jesus?  Was his depression a sin?  No my friend.  Many of these things are medical issues that need attention just like any other illness.  Yes, you need to check and make sure you are right with the Lord, but if you are and you have feelings of anxiety or depression, that does not make you unfaithful.  I believe that Satan attacks most, those the Lord is using the most.  He wants to bring us down and if he can’t block our salvation, he wants to block our walk. He wants us to feel like we are isolated and alone in our struggles.  He whispers “Don’t share how you are feeling with anyone because they will look at you differently.”

My friend, you are not alone in your struggle, whether it be depression, anxiety, lonliness, ect.  The fact is that we cannot let our feelings dictate our faith.  We have to demand that our faith dictate our feelings.  When the devil shouts out lies, we have to lash back at him with the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God.  When we feel alone, we have to lean back on the Lord’s promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us and that we are engraved on the palms of His hands.  When we feel worthless, we have to look at the cross where the Lord of Glory died, because He wanted us to be with Him for eternity. 

Don’t be afraid to share what you are feeling with a mature christian.  (We need to use wisdom with those whom we share because some new christians cannot handle these things yet.)  You will probably discover that they too struggle with similar things.  Do not isolate yourself.  Get help.  We are meant to run this race together.  I Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind…”  Everyone has their own burdens they bear, but when we share with each other we lighten the load.  We share the burden.  Most of all, lay your burdens at the foot of the cross.  Know that despite your feelings, Jesus knows your heart.  What matters most is not how you are feeling, but that you are getting up and fighting, and that in the end you are found faithful. 

So take my hand.  Together we will run this race.  I would love to hear from you if you have anything you would like me to pray about for you, or even if you just need to share what you are going through.  My email is liv4hvn@me.com, or you can leave a comment in the comment section.

(Also, my friend, I just wanted to add that some disorders do need medicine.  If you need medicine for your anxiety or depression- do not feel guilty.  I believe the Lord provided medicine for our needs and that mental health is another part of our body that needs an extra bit of attention some times. )